The Jack Sparrow Story
by Angel Phreak
Summary: This has nothing to do with PoTc. It's silly, stupid, and bad for your health. You probably shouldn't read it. If you do, review. Flame us, too, it's funny.


The Jack Sparrow Story  
  
Notes: I'm putting this under Pirates of the Caribbean, because it sprang from our love of Jack Sparrow. But it isn't about Pirates of the Caribbean. It isn't really about anything. It's silly...contains BLATANT SELF INSERTION, SLASH, SEXUAL THEMES and LANGUAGE. It also extremely bashes a REAL PERSON, but the name of this person has been censored. If the false name is yours, I apologize.  
  
Disclaimer: Many things in this story come from the twisted minds of Nuri and Megan Enterprises, yet some are borrowed. (thus: fanfiction!) Pirates of the Caribbean is copyright Disney and um...whoever the porducer was. ()-.- Angel is copyright Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. Monty Python is property of...um...Monty....Python......and any others are property of the copyright holders. Plot is property of Megan and Nuri.  
  
Rated R for a reason.   
  
One cold, December day, Megan and Nuri were out shopping. With Sparrow. Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Captain Jack Sparrow.", said Jack.  
  
Riiiight...with CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow *glares at Jack*. They soon came to an anime store, and Nuri, being Nuri was distracted by all the pretty bishounen* and the Japanese CDs. Megan, being none other than Megan, chose this as an opportunity to get what she wanted. Jack.   
  
Nuri, having seen all there was to see in the Japanimation heaven, had come back to Earth just in time to see Megan lock Jack in a completely innapropriate, gratutitous, sloppy, disgusting, passionate kiss. She fumed.  
  
"MEGAN!" Megan looked at Nuri innocently, mimicked by Jack. But he's not good at looking innocent. Actually, when compared to Nuri, Megan isn't either. Nuri continued, "What in Clyde's** name do you think you are DOING? There are CHILDREN here!"  
  
Megan blinked. "So?" Nuri looked around, giving several parents an apologetic look. The parents glared at the trio and rushed their children away. Nuri looked around frantically..."Hey look! It's John Doe!" Megan spun around in anger, letting go of Jack. When she turned around to show Nuri her seething glare, she found the other girl had Jack in a tight, unescable hug.   
  
"NURI!"  
  
Nuri was too absorbed in suffocating the pirate captain in her love.  
  
Megan shook her head in anger, and marched over to the mob surrounding Jack.   
  
"Jack?" she called over everyones head, "I need advice."  
  
Jack nodded, and pushed off the girls, kissing the top of Nuris head, "I'll be back in a while, ladies," he said with a wink.  
  
"Thanks," Megan said, smiling slightly, "see, I've been reading this Nirvana website and I'm not sure if Kurt really killed himself anymore."  
  
Jack nodded, "That must be hard, having to worry about your idols last minutes."  
  
Megan nodded, "Yeah. It is." Nuri came over them, and leaned on Jacks knee, "What's wrong, Megan?"  
  
"She's been listening to too much Nirvana," Jack told her.  
  
Nuri looked angry, "I thought we told you to stop that!"  
  
Megan grinned as innocently as she could, even Nuri had to admit that it looked pretty cute. But before anybody could tearfully say "awww", some lady nearby screamed bloody murder. It reminded Nuri of the time when she was six and the woman in the grocery store dropped the bottle of Thai Sauce all on the floor, causing it to shatter. The lady in this story was screaming just like that woman.  
  
Megan pulled herself away from the warmth of Jacks arms and the beat of In Bloom which was stuck in her head to see what happened. "Uh, lady dude?" she asked.  
  
Nuri rolled her eyes, "Shes fainted."  
  
Megan bit her lip, "Oh."  
  
Jack looked confused, "What was she screaming at?"  
  
A old bitter man with a name tag that said NOT John Doe pointed near the wall of the anime store where two penguins were having sex.  
  
"Gay penguins," the man said in disgust, "God Hates Penguin Fags***." Jack had to hold Megan and Nuri back as they rushed to attack him.  
  
"Easy there, lasses, we don't want to be causing any trouble on our date, savvy?"  
  
Megan and Nuri sighed at the captain's sexy, masculine, in-control tone of voice and melted into two puddles of radioactive goo. Jack groaned. The bitter old man stood up and glared spitefully at the man and puddles of radioactive goo. It was a glare that could make the Devil himself piss his pants. It was a glare that stopped the hearts of women, children, and crows alike, causing the blood flow to cease and not allowing oxygen to enter their brains and ultlimately killing them. It re-composed Nuri and Megan, but, twas a glare that was actually pretty funny and the two of them turned into bursting bombs of uncontrollable laughter. Jack remained his calm, sexy self.  
  
Jack winked at the girls and pulled them to the side for a hurried discussion. He said something and Megan fell onto Nuri because she was laughing so hard. Jack grinned at the both of them and walked over to the NOT John Doe and kissed him hard and square on the lips and ran his hand down John's pants.  
  
Slowly, grinding his hips and using his hand in a talented way he had practiced many times with Will, little Johnny went up.  
  
This was getting to be too much for the innocent Nuri, who wouldn't have minded it if it were Will or Legolas or Orlando Bloom, though those are all the same person, and put a hand over her mouth, looking away. Megan had fallen to the ground, laughing hysterically. Finally, Nuri whipped out a cellular phone and called the cops, explaining thoroughly that it was NOT John Doe they were arresting, instead of Jack Sparrow.   
  
A half an hour later, sirens could be heard in the distance. Another 30 minutes went by and Nuri was reminded of when the bus crashed into some guy's car in the parking lot and the kids had to wait forever for the officer to show up. Luckily, they weren't totally deprived as a passenger in the car was a totally delicious Latino guy who insisted on standing out in the pouring rain. And Nuri had had the best view.  
  
Finally, a little blue and white police car came up, lights flashing, sirens wailing "weee ooo weee ooo". It stopped and Nuri leaned over, trying to see inside. Eventually, the door slowly opened. A leather boot-clad foot stepped out, followed by it's untied mate. Then a body emerged from the car, wrapped up in a black trenchcoat, and a face with overly gelled hair and dark shades. It was Angelus.   
  
He put out his cigarette. There was an eery pause, even the penguins were quiet. The uncomfortable silence was broken by Megan's loud laughter. Nuri pulled Megan off the ground, trying to stop the girl from giving herself an orgasm from laughing so hard. Jack gave the girl a chastising glare. Angelus blinked, but nobody could tell because he was wearing dark shades. He looked at "John".  
  
"I'm officer Angelus. Are you John Doe?" He showed his badge, and spoke with his hot Irish accent. He winked at Megan, causing her face to light up with delight.  
  
"No. Can't you read the nametag?"  
  
"Alright, up against the ca--Would you mind removing your hand?", the officer looked at Jack who apologetically obeyed. "Up against the car. You have the right to remain silent, you also have the right to---"  
  
On the other side of the pavement, Nuri and Megan sat on the ground, Nuri's elbows on her knees and her head resting in her hands, Megan playing with a peice of grass. This is where all you horny guys (the ones that have survived this far) get a look at the secret lives of girls...what we REALLY talk about! Truthfully.  
  
"So who do you think would win in a fight, Batman or Angelina Jolie?"  
  
"Oh, Batman, no contest.", said Nuri.  
  
"Who's hotter? Mary-Kate or Ashley?"  
  
"Eww! Megan! I cannot believe you just asked me that."  
  
Megan laughed but Nuri placed her hand over her friend's mouth. "Shh. Something's happening."  
  
Megan looked over at Jack, NOT John Doe and Angelus and sighed dreamily, "Jesus fuck that cop is hot." Nuri looked at her friend, "Hush," and she pulled Megan up and they walked over to see NOT John Doe.  
  
"What's going on?" Nuri asked. Suddenly, Megan's face turned very red and she marched over to where Jack and Angelus stood groping each other.  
  
"Please tell me you're not both going gay," said Meg  
  
"W-would that be a problem Megan?", Nuri said softly, her eyes filled with some kind of sparkly chemical-type thing as she watched the pirate and vampire.  
  
Eventually Megan had had enough and tore Jack away from Angelus, the police vampire then driving away with NOT John Doe in the back seat of his cop car, with a German Shepard that bit his ear off. John's ear. Not Angelus'.  
  
Jack was out of it. He was looking after the car, his face bright red and wearing a look of utter contentment. Nuri and Megan stared blankly at him, wondering what to do. When they heard a faint sound rising up over the hill...then it grew louder...and louder still. Why...it was singing...it was the sound of Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' coming from some nearby club.  
  
Megan jerked up, and looking slightly stoned started singing along in an off pitch, grating voice. Nuri and Jack tried hard not to listen but they caught that it was something about being entertained and the lights going off. About halfway through the song Megan stopped singing and there was much rejoicing.   
  
"C'mon, ya'll," she said, grinning, "Lets go see who's singing. The voice sounds very familiar."  
  
Nuri groaned, "No. We are not going--" But Megan had already grabbed Jacks hand and was running off to the club. It was dark and musty inside with tables set up to face the stage and a bar with a beat up old sign that said You're Over 21, Savvy?   
  
"This is my type of place," Jack said, swinging his leg over and motioning for the waitress to come and give him some rum. "Want anything, girls?"  
  
Megan grinned, "Vodka," but Nuri shook her head. Pulling Nuri off to the side, Megan said in a low voice, "I've always wanted to order vodka."  
  
Nuri grinned, and then glanced at the stage where a guy was singing 'hello, hello,' and suddenly froze for the person on the stage was…yes…it was George W. Bush in drag!  
  
Her face did that funny but oh so adorable thing it does when she's embarrassed, you know, kinda like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, only that was his nose, and this was her whole face. And she'd be damned if she was leading any sleighs. But I digress. She opened her mouth, closed it, repeated the process a few times and her eyes went really wide.   
  
Megan was standing with her back to the stage, in a most uncomfortable position as Nuri's fist tightened around her shirt collar.   
  
"Geez...Nuri...can't breathe..."  
  
Jack looked up from the waitress he was flirting with (Debbie) and burst out laughing. Megan remained confused, so the captain went to the other side of the table. He gently placed his hand on Nuri's (the one that was gripping Megan violently) and looked into her eyes, stroking her hand gently with his thumb. Nuri relaxed and started breathing again, and Jack used his other arm to pick up Megan by the waist and turn her around, then he too turned around, wrapping his arms around both girls. Jack looked on with amusement and Megan laughed, Nuri was slightly more comfortable as her mind began to comprehend the situation. Megan clapped the loudest when the president finished, and was about to head off when Nuri caught her eye.  
  
"This is our change to pop the question," Nuri hissed in Megans ear.  
  
Megan looked confuzzled for a second, then nodded, "But what if he doesn't know?" Nuri stamped her foot, "Hes the president of the US of freaking A. Of course he knows!"  
  
"Then go ask him!"  
  
Nuri glanced over at Jack, "But I need to tell Jack something!"  
  
"Liar. You just want me to leave so you can have extra time with my boyfriend."  
  
"Since when is he your boyfriend?"  
  
"Since I said so. But, alas, I shall leave to ask and let you have your sad attempts to make Jack like you more then me." Megan smiled and turned towards Americas favorite drag queen.  
  
Returning with a smile, Megan came back  
  
"Georgina said yes, Amish people vote****."   
  
Nuri thought for a sec, "We should start a reality tv show. Ask the American Drag Queen." Jack and Megan looked blankly at her, waiting for an explanation.   
  
Nuri groaned. "Liiike...he wants to take gay adoption rights away, right?", they nodded and she continued, "Well, say someone's natural father is gay, and if something were to happen to his mother, then his father would have to adopt him. But he can't. And the kid would end up as ANOTHER UNLOVED ORPHAN FOSTER CHILD!"  
  
"I was one of those.", said Jack sadly. Nuri comforted him.   
  
"This story is losing the silliness that founded it. Something has to happen.", Megan said and then smacked her head when she realized neither was listening. "Stop that."  
  
Nuri and Jack were engaged in a sickening public display of affection, which involved touching, groping, groaning, and kissing. With tongues and everything.   
  
"Stop that." Megan repeated, but alas, her words remained unheard. Finally she rolled her eyes and grabbed Nuri by the waist, pulling as hard as she could. Nuri clung to Jack, refusing to give in, only making her friend more determined.   
  
"Come on! You've had enough!"  
  
"I'm not doing this for me! I'm doing it for Jack!", Megan relaxed a bit and Nuri went on, "Look at how sad he is." She grabbed Jack's cheeks (face. pervert.) and stretched them out lovingly. Megan pulled some more, and the two of them ended up in a heap on the floor.  
  
Nuri looked down, straight into Megan's eyes. There was an awkward pause until someone said, "Hey, you guys make a great couple." The two girls blushed profusely and scrambled to their feet.  
  
Megan chewed her gum thoughtfully, "Jack, I feel left out."  
  
Jack laughed and picked Megan up, swinging her around. Nuri watched and rolled her eyes, glancing down at her watch.  
  
He finally placed Megan down, putting his arm around her waist. Nuri stood off to the side, looking like a 3rd wheel. She hardly thought she deserved this torment, and decided to strike up a conversation with herself. Pathetic...but neccassary at the moment.  
  
"You know, cheesecake isn't just called cheesecake for no reason. It's actually made with cheese. Cream cheese. So...it makes a lot of sense."  
  
"Ni."  
  
Nuri blinked at the faint sound, then shrugged it off. "I'm willing to accept that the answer to the great Question of Life the Universe and Everything is 42. But the Question itself...'what is 6 times 9?' Six times nine is 54! Not 42! It makes the Answer a lie!"  
  
Some shadowy figures looked at each other and shook their heads. Suddenly, Nuri had a hand pressed to her mouth, and maybe a couple of arms wrapped around her waist.  
  
"We are the knights who say Ni!", the person who had his hand over her mouth said. Megan and Jack continued their disgusting PDAs.   
  
"NI! NI! NI!", the ki-niggets all shouted. Finally, Megan looked up.  
  
"Shut it---oh my god! Nuri!"  
  
"We are the knights who say Ni. We are taking this girl hostage. If you really care about her, which from the looks of it you don't, bring a shrubbery to 42 Acre Lane."  
  
"Make it a nice shrubbery.", someone added.  
  
And with that, they bounded off. Or something. Megan turned to Jack, "Lets leave her for a while and have sex."   
  
Jack rolled his eyes down Megans body and grinned, "Sure."  
  
Megan took his hand and led him to the her bedroom, conventely located in the back of the club. Two hours later, they were in desprate search of a shubbery.  
  
"All the shops closed hours ago!" Megan said, biting her lip, worried.   
  
Jack leaned down to kiss her, "Who really needs Nuri anyway?"   
  
Megan looked shocked, "She's like my sister!"   
  
Jack nodded, "Just, ah, testing."  
  
"Jack, I think we're gonna have to make a shubbery."  
  
Four and a half hours, 500 twigs, some bendy straws, and a plastic bird later, Jack and Megan had completed their project.   
  
"Well, if that doesn't get them, I don't know what will."  
  
"It looks like it crawled out of the dump.", Megan said.  
  
"Like I said..."  
  
"Hey look!", Megan interrupted, "a trail of gum wrappers! Nuri must have left this for us to follow. She's so smart."  
  
So...they followed the trail of gum wrappers. They followed it over the river, they followed it through Mushy Icky Swamp. They followed it, until atlast, they reached the Forest of Falling Birds.  
  
"Look out!", screeched Megan, as a dead bird fell from a nearby tree, just missing Jack's hat.  
  
"That was close.", said Jack, "Hey, do you hear something?" Somewhere nearby, a faint, soft singing could be heard.  
  
"...forever just because this is the song that never ends...yes it goes on and on my friends...um...something...something else...ow!"  
  
"Hey watch it!", Megan glared at the intruder, then her face lit up. "NURI!"  
  
Nuri was subsequently suffocated by a tight, smothering hug from her online friend. Finally, Megan released her, and then looked thoughtful for a moment.  
  
"What?", asked Nuri.  
  
"How did you escape them?"  
  
Nuri smacked her forehead and said, "You should know very well what defeats the Knights Who Say Ni."  
  
"Ohhhh, right. How moronic of me.", and the three of them continued walking through the forest, avoiding birds as they went. Jack, who still didn't get it, kept asking what defeated the knights, but for once, neither girl was paying attention to him.   
  
"Its good you watched Monty Python," Megan commented as they walked out of the woods.  
  
"Yeah," Nuri agreed, "it really is."  
  
"Because its hard to know what might have happened it--i mean, if you stayed any longer."   
  
They both smiled, but then Nuri froze.  
  
"Megan," she said slowly, "turn around." Megan did.  
  
"Now what do you see?"  
  
"The trees?"  
  
Nuri made a face, "Okay, what don't you see?"  
  
"Uhhhh...a bebe gun and an alien?"  
  
Nuri rolled her eyes, "No. Jack!"  
  
Just in front of them, an arrow was shot. It hit the tree, and fell on the ground. Nuri rolled her eyes. A second later, another arrow flew in front of the girls, this time burying itself into the tree. Attached was, of all things, a note.  
  
"What's with all the Monty Python references?", Nuri wondered, and it was Meg's turn to roll her eyes as she snatched the note and began to read.  
  
"Dear dykes," she frowned and Nuri made a fist, "I have escaped from prison, having come to terms with the truth of my sexuality. I have...can't read this, there's a hole. You know, cause of the arrow. Uh...keeping him for myself in my scary castle on top of a hill where it always rains. I thought you might want to know. Love, John Doe."  
  
The teens looked at each other with similar expressions of shock.  
  
"John Doe?", Megan said in disgust at the same time that Nuri said likewise, "Love?". Then they thought and declared at the same time "He's got Jack!"  
  
Nuri made a face, "That might actually be hot if it wasn't for the fact that he's so old..."   
  
"And smelly."   
  
"You judge people because of their smell?" Nuri asked.  
  
"Course"  
  
Nuri clicked her tongue and shook her head as they walked on.  
  
Interlude:--------------------------------  
  
Nuri: *in shock and disbelief* All I can do in the past 3 weeks is one sentence?  
  
Megan: *impatient* Well, how do you think I feel?  
  
Nuri: *blinks* betrayed? bewildered?  
  
Megan: *still impatient* gimme the keyboard.  
  
Nuri: *possesive* no! Mine!  
  
Megan: Fine. I'll use my own. *gloating*  
  
--------------------------------End of Interlude  
  
End of Part I  
  
Nuri: *cackles evily* part I...hehehe.  
  
*bishounen-Japanese word for pretty boys, refers to anime pretty boys such as Nuriko.  
  
**Clyde-the Great Flytrap  
  
***I don't use this word, and neither should you.  
  
****Amish people actually do NOT vote. 


End file.
